Sometimes It Hurts Instead
by AidennTheLost
Summary: One-shot songfic to Adele's "Someone Like You". Kames, some Jamesangst. M for self-harm.


**First story OH MY GOD. Just a short Kames oneshot set to "Someone Like You" by Adele.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush. If I did you would be watching them on pay-per-view porn channels instead of Nickelodeon. Also I don't own the song. Although it is awesome.**

**Enjoy! R&R, you know the drill. ~ATL**

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><p><em>I heard that you're settled down<em>

_That you found a girl and you're married now_

_I heard that your dreams came true_

_Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you_

I hesitated at the doorstep, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet as I tried to screw up the courage to knock. My fist had barely touched the door when it abruptly swung open… and there he stood.

_Old friend, why are you so shy?_

_Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light_

Kendall Donald Knight, in all his glory, stood in the doorway, hand still locked on the doorknob in surprise. His messy blond hair was the same as ever, swept across his forehead with just the right amount of defiance and arrogance. His emerald eyes were opened wide at the sight of me, and I could see my own face reflected in their clear depths as I waved shyly.

_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited  
>But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.<br>I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded  
>That for me it isn't over<em>

"J-James?" he stuttered, and his voice was that same combination of roughness and melodic that serenaded me in my dreams. "James Diamond? I haven't seen you in -"

"Three years, I know," I responded, cracking a smile despite my best efforts. "I heard you had moved here… I decided to come visit you, just for the hell of it, I guess. "

"It's great to see you," he told me sincerely, opening the door wider and smiling genuinely for the first time. His signature smirk was as cute as ever, every dimple exactly the same as the memory of him imprinted in my mind, my fantasies, my sleepless nights alone. I stepped up into the foyer, and as he closed the door I saw a flash of gold on one finger.

_Married, huh? _I sighed internally. _So Logan was right. _I tried to keep up my smile for his sake. I didn't want him to see me so vulnerable and hurt; I didn't know how it was possible to break my heart anymore. I thought it had already been smashed the last time he left. I had hoped that there was nothing left to crush.

"Honey? Someone's here to visit," he called as he led me to the kitchen. A small blond woman stepped out of the bathroom, her flaxen hair cascading down her back and her ice-blue eyes wide with curiosity. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest as he leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips, what was left of it, anyway; I took a deep breath, reassuring myself silently by thinking of the Kendall I remembered, the Kendall I grew up with…

The Kendall I loved.

_Never mind, I'll find someone like you  
>I wish nothing but the best for you too<br>Don't forget me, I beg  
>"I'll remember", you said,<br>Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.  
>Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,<br>Yeah._

"I should get going," I told him. "I really can't stay… I just wanted to see you again. You seem to be doing fine."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" he exclaimed. "This is my wife, Autumn. We got married last summer."

"That's wonderful," I told him. But it wasn't my voice. I couldn't recognize it at all – it was some kind of defense mechanism; saying everything's okay, that I'm happy for you, I wish you the best, because I never loved you. It was an automatic response. I spent years lying to myself – I got pretty good at doing it to other people too.

_You know how the time flies  
>Only yesterday it was the time of our lives<br>We were born and raised  
>In a summer haze<br>Bound by the surprise of our glory days_

**Flashback: 4 Years Previous**

"James! Pass it over here!" Kendall shouted from the other end of the lobby. I shot him the puck with an expert flick of my wrist, and with one quick sweep it was between Carlos' legs and into the goal.

"Great shot!" I yelled, and we ran to hug each other as Logan and Carlos sighed in defeat. I held on perhaps a moment too long to be just friendly. I savored every second, breathing in his scent that was just so _Kendall_.

I couldn't remember not being in love with him. Every since I was little, I never saw anyone else but him. I came out to my parents in eighth grade, and to the guys shortly after. Kendall was the one who chased off the bullies when I got shoved into the lockers, or got called a fag, or got pushed around by the jocks of my high school.

Everyone knew about my secret crush on Kendall, of course; everyone but him. There had been moments when I was going to tell him, but I was never brave enough. I restricted myself to friendly hugs, wrestling in our shared room, or quick glances at the pool.

We changed after our impromptu lobby-hockey game, heading down to the pool in swim trunks and T-shirts. I couldn't help but marvel at Kendall's fabulous abs; they were so defined, so gorgeous…

I commanded myself to stop staring, to no avail. He was so delicious, so hot, so beautiful in the hazy sun of LA summer. This was the life, no worries, no cares, just relaxing by the pool and singing in the studios. Of course it couldn't last.

**Back to Present**

_Nothing compares  
>No worries or cares<br>Regrets and mistakes  
>They are memories made.<br>Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?_

The band had broken up when we were nineteen, and since then we had split off, going solo and creating names for ourselves. Seeing Kendall was everything I had ever dreamed of… but it hurt. It hurt more than I had ever imagined. And as I walked away from his house, back to my car, and started the engine, I turned to catch one last glimpse of him in my rearview mirror.

His face was close to the window of his door, brilliant eyes staring back at me as I pulled away from the quaint neighborhood. I met his gaze briefly, a spark jumping between us, and just before I looked away, I could've sworn I saw his lips moving, whispering a silent "I love you" meant only for me.

I sat on my bed, slowly dragging the knife across my forearm, creating a new pattern on a canvas littered with a myriad of other scars. I welcomed the pain; it was almost familiar now, calming, a way to escape this cruel world where I gave up everything for him…

And the most he can do is one whisper. One little hint, just one three-word phrase to match my years of unwavering devotion.

When I came back to reality from my virtual high, I looked down to see "KENDALL" etched into the tan skin. I held it close to my chest, letting the blood run neglected down my shirt, staining my clothes, the rug, the bedspread, anything within reach with the last remnants of my unwavering love.

_Never mind, I'll find someone like you  
>I wish nothing but the best for you too<br>Don't forget me, I beg  
>"I'll remember", you said,<br>Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead._

"I'm sorry, Kendall," I whispered, the knife now moving of its own accord to find an untouched expanse of skin just under my Adam's apple. "I love you."

_Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead_


End file.
